Major Project Pre-Production | Script Writing Improvement - V.3

I have now been improving the material that is in my script. I have received some great feedback from Helen that really helped me understand how to write a script in full detail.

Feedback;

1. Intro goes too far too quick – need to engage the viewer and let them get to know you and then your family.

2. You are not really setting up each person properly – they need introducing (either by themselves on camera, or in VO)

3. You need to corner turn more effectively between points/segments – you can’t just move onto the next thing without somehow writing out of the last thing first!

4. Your story focus is getting lost in the minutiae of your family story – don’t forget the real focus you told me about Buddhism in Poland etc – at present it is all too quick and neat and lacks context.

5. FAR TOO MUCH VO!!!  You need to talk on camera as well as use VO or it feels very odd – after all you are IN the film so why don’t we ever hear from you directly?  Makes it feel very IMPERSONAL.

6. Needs more time spent on allowing the narrative to BREATH and thus utilise more picture opportunities to TELL your story, rather than through VO alone.  Use much more in the way of sequences and actuality to do this.

7. The end needs work – again too neat – find something which can allow you to reflect but also SAY SOMETHING.

I have taken these points into account and developed my script again to implement these changes. I completely agree at the fact that I should be setting up each person that is being interviewed correctly, this needs to be added before they start their interview. I never originally wanted to put myself on camera and speak but I feel like it's such a personal story that a V/O might just throw the viewer off, I have added myself into the documentary as a 'presenter'. The sole focus I have now decided to be on my personal family, as well as why my father decided to become a Buddhist but this isn't the main focus anymore. I have now directed the documentary to find out my personal past with my father and why he decided to leave the United Kingdom and live in a Buddhist community, which also had an influence in my life, I do touch bases about the community etc but don't want it to take up too much time in the documentary. I still need to completely perfect and reflect the ending, but so far I feel like I am happy with the changes I made based on feedback.